This year we were kindly asked by Rock Sound Magazine if we’d join them on the pitch in the annual Big Scary Monsters 5-A-Side tournament in London. At this point you might be wondering why they asked us…

…Once upon a time we played a match with Chicago rockers Madina Lake against Rock Sound competition winners. Rock Sound skipper, Andy Kelham, noted that we combined the skill of both Jason Lee and Carlton Palmer so subsequently begged us to play. Rock Sound had never been past the quarter finals before so Andy was working on the assumption that it’d be an easy feat with us involved.

The three hour drive to London was pretty fun. We arrived an hour before kick off which gave us enough time to get changed and discuss tactics for the day, which we quickly forgot about approximately ten seconds into the first match against Indie-Rock Mafioso’s Tall Ships.

We drew our first game 3-3 (which was apparently the only draw of the day). After this fifteen minute sweatfest, Slomo (Rock Sound tea boy and former Drum and Bugle corps champion) was suffering with “I think I’m going to be sick”. Whether this was due to the amount of effort he put into the game or the fact he drank a whole bottle of spirits the night before is debatable. His mad skills make me suspect the former.

Slowmo

We won our second game against Los Campesinos/Witchita 6-4 which meant we needed to beat Red Bull in our final match of the group stages to guarantee a place in the quarter-finals. Psyched up to the max with absolutely no thoughts of defeat in our heads, we ran on the pitch and fifteen minutes later we’d been beaten 2-0. This meant we needed Los Campesinos to do us some favours in their match against rivals Tall Ships in the following game.

In this match, with minutes to go, Tall Ships were up 3-1, which meant we would be leaving the competition earlier than hoped. Then out of the blue and completely against the run of play, the guys from the Los Campesinos started playing exactly like Pele’s Brazil team from 1970 (possibly due to one of our team offering them the cover of next month’s Rock Sound if they scored).  I very much doubt you’ll see any football fans this summer as happy as we were when Los Campesinos put the ball in the back of the Tall Ships net.

Our quarter final match up was against last year’s winners Fear and Records, who resembled footballing robots with only one task - TO WIN. Circulating rumours even suggested they’d all been locked in a dark room for the last year with ‘Danny Baker’s Right Hammerings’ VHS on loop. Their +23 goal difference in the group stages perhaps suggests that this wasn’t a rumour at all..

I don’t remember much about the actual game (apart from losing) but it went something like this, but with football instead of basketball.

Ben, Rock Sound features editor even got the ball pelted full whack into his nutsack. You know those times where you witness something really funny but you have to try extremely hard not to laugh? This was one of the best instances of that I’ve ever experienced. I felt bad for Ben, who’d probably never have kids now, but it was really, really funny.. I still laugh when I think of the ‘BOOM’ sound the ball made when it hit his cock and the way he collapsed to the floor as if he was in slow motion. This photo was taken shortly afterwards.

“The ball hit my japs eye and rolled down my cock into my bollocks”

Before the competition I genuinely thought we’d win for some reason. I think I was getting very misguided positivity vibes from somewhere. Especially since I’m usually such a negative prick. We did bring a consolation cake though which made our 5-2 defeat seem insignificant.

Fear and Records were the eventual winners. The other finalists, Red Bull, gave them a good run for their money but narrowly lost out despite growing wings after their half time refreshments.

Finally, I’d like to say a huge thanks to Kev and BSM for arranging such an awesome competition. I’m sure it’s not an easy task organising a football tournament for 150 people involved in the rock ‘n roll industry.

It’s now two days after the event and I can hardly move. My whole body aches and I’m unintentionally walking like a robot. I hate football.